01.25.2026

On this day I've finished the layout for this page, at least to the point of being satisfied with it at the moment. The only thing left is actually filling it up. Too bad that I don't know what to put here...

01.26.2026 - 12:30AM

It's late at night an I can't sleep. sometimes, when I lie awake I think about my future. No matter how hard I try, I can not imagine myself any older than I am now. I think about my future in concepts, but not age. It's "I'll have a job after I finish school" and not "I'll have a job at [age]." The oldest I've imagined myself was 19, and that's just a little over an year away. So not much difference from not to then. It makes me wonder what will happen when I get old, if I ever will? The more I think about ot, the more euthanasia or suicide seems like the answer. The more I'm grounded in my belief that after a certian - an number yet unknow to any living being - age I'll just decide "Yeah, that's enough for me!" and put a gun in my mouth.

My father has one. A gun, I mean. I won't lie and say that I've never thought about waiting until I'm home alone and sneaking it out of the metal containment it's stuck in. Never thought about bringing it into my warm mouth, getting it wet with saliva, dripping with the spit as I taste the cold, grime of the barrel sitting uncomfortable between my teeth, and just pulling a trigger. One gentle motion. Just enough pressure. And it all would be over. Lights out.

But yeah, I don't want to grow old. I don't want to be an glorified vegetable. Is it cruel to say that I hate the elderly? Including my family? I don't think I care enough to search fo that answer.

01.26.2026 - 05:58AM

I need to get up for school, but I always have a problem with dragging myself out of bed. I always put my alarm half and hour early - to get used to the idea of being awake and functioning, although functioning is a big word for it. Whatever. The point is, I hate getting up so early. Or leaving my bed. Especially in winter. It's way too cold for that.

01.26.2026 - 06:50AM

Sometimes I look in a mirror and I see someone pretty, worthy of affection, other times I have no idea who stares back.

01.26.2026 - 08:49AM

Originally I've wanted to ramble about a teacher mispronouncing my name, or rather calling me by entirely different one, but now I'm too stressed for it and need to talk about what just happened.

So, “what happened to get your heart racing?” you might ask - a very stupid thing. So small and insignificant I feel stupid. I handed someone a paper they had dropped. That's it. I've handed someone a note and now I'm vibrating in anxiety. My head is full of “why your hand bended that way? So weird.” and “your acne is so visible! Even worse than usual!” and “your hair is so messy!” and so on.
I think I'm gonna pass on human interaction for the rest of the day...

01.26.2026 - 10:32AM

So weird, I've checked my email to see if any of the fanfictions I'm subscribed to updated but instead I found an email about my vocational exams. Didn't expect that!

01.26.2026 - 11:32AM

Finished my English test, pretty easy, just didn't know one word. Hoping gor at least a C!
Also, I was writing a surprise quiz at 09:3?AM and I've already had it graded.I've gotten a D. Pretty cool considering I don't know shit about History.
Speaking of grades, the one from a math quiz last week in the books. It's a C. I honestly expected to fail.

01.26.2026 - 11:48AM

I've just remembered I was supposed to take a banana cocktail/smoothie to school. But I didn't. I forgot. Sad.

01.26.2026 - 02:24PM

I think it's one of those days where eating will be a problem

01.26.2026 - 09:58PM

Funny how things change yet I still seem to be stuck in the same place. Seeing my shoes get worn down and holding on by tape and thread, the soles slowly rubbing off untill there's nothing between the ground and my feet. Yet I still stay the same. Yet I still don;t belong. Will I ever change? Do I need to?

01.26.2026 - 11:06PM

Feeling accomplished! I've almost finished Canine's character page! I only need to replace two backgrounds, hell, I just need to UPLOAD two backgrounds. So easy-peasy! Will get it done in 2 minutes. Who knows, maybe I will finish Tex's page next? I do like that OC quite a bit, he's very fun to imagine him interacting with others. Not so fun to write tho... We will see! I could add some decorative touches to Canine's page... NOPE! I'll do decorations when I'm done with everything else!! Revamping index page should be my main piority, but I no no wanna:( I prob will get bored enough to re-do the HTML and CSS for it during Database Managment class on Tuseday anyway. That class is so fucking BORING! I end up doing stuff on my phone all the time. Only SQL... Man, FUCK SQL!!! So yeah! Defo big changes to the main page soon, just not sure how soon.

01.27.2026 - 06:19AM

Now that I think about it, how can one fuck up making a movie / tv show based on a book? THE SCRIPT IS RIGHT THERE! IN DETAIL! Seriously, how does that happen? (it's money, I know... but still!)

01.27.2026 - 06:52AM

While I was in a bathroom, getting ready for school, I've thought about my therapy. More specific: tomorrow's my last session. No, I'm not getting a new therapist or getting assigned to some different kind of therapy. I'm just quitting. The guy, therapist, doesn't even know it yet. Therapy doesn't help me. Not when I have to watch out for everything I say to not get too depressed. Don't really want to mention being suicidal if it can land me a conversation with my parents at the very least. And to work through being suicidal, I need to, y'know, tell him about being suicidal.
And the therapist is pretty cool too! I genuinely like him, he's trying to help, I know, but when I mentioned my unhealthy relationship with food he just asked questions and so on, the next session he didn't even mention it. I'm not sure if I gave the impression of not needing to work through it. I know I should say something, I know, but it's been hard to bring it up at the first place. I'm done with therapy. At least for now.

01.27.2026 - 07:59AM

I bought sour path kids to share with the girl I sit during most classes with! I really hope to befriend her, she's pretty cool and seems nice. It's always fun to gossip with her too. So yeah, hoping or the best.

01.27.2026 - 02:01PM

I haven't updated in so long! Shame. So here's a recap of what happend:

• The girl I bought candy for didn't eat any when I opened a bag since she was chewing her gum
• We sill talked almost the whole day??? PROGRESS!!
• I had a group projct douring History class so I partnered up with a guy in front of me
• It went well! Not a failing grade for sure
• I chatted with that guy after a lil
• We had unexpected test in Computr Networks class :(
• I found out I didn't turn in my test rom the same class later one (not the one we had during THIS class)
• I did the test during a break
• I have Database Managment classe rn (two in a row) and we did an exercise from it
• I finished it in a time of the first class and a lil bit of the begining of the other one.
• I, as promised, did Tex's page! I still need to write his stories but that's not one day/night task. Will take weeks if not months.
• As of now, I'm writing this entry.

So, that's it! I will re-do the index sometime this or next week. We will see if I'm on the creative frenzy for OCs or redoing the layout when I get home, or maybe I won't do anything at all?
ANYWAY, today is the day where human interaction comes easy, confidence is natural - not something I have to fake.
I wish I had more days like this one. Or that a day like that ould be my norm.

01.27.2026 - 07:12PM

I think I'm not gonna work on this page today. No idea for the layout.

01.28.2026 - 01:34PM

So, I had my last session with my therapist today, he's very cool vut as I said, therapy doesn't do much for me anymore. But that's not wat I wanted to talk about; I've bought a mic! I finally have a microphone. I can talk on twitch!! And maybe I can do some ASMR videos cuz I feel like that mic would be pretty good for that. I really put together every penny in my wallet to buy the cheapest microphone:( but whatever! At least I have it now

01.29.2026 - 06:25AM

Apparently I've only updated once or twice yesterday, to be completely honest - I'm not surprised. Yesterday wasn't hard or tiring by any means, but the they before Wednesday? Yeah, they were. So, here's a quick recap:

After I've gotten out of the therapist's office I've had around two hours to go wherever I wanted as I've decided to just skip school. Yeah, not a big fan of doing absolutely nothing for hours on end when I can do the same in my house. So, I went are a few shops, looking fo a mic, as I planned to do so before. When I finally found some microphone that's affordable to me I've bought it, literally scraping every penny I had in my coin purse. Then I waited for a bus. I got on it and went home. But a bus at that hour doesn't just, y'know, stop at my stop, so I got off on the stop closest to mine and had to walk home the rest of the way. Not a bad experience, I like walking, just hopping the snow wasn't so fucking annoying. After I got home I've decided to eat and then I climbed into my bed and decided to sleep. When it was late I got up from bed and started to stream with the microphone. I was talking to myself for 40 minutes straight, hell, I was whispering because I psychically couldn't bring myself to talk louder. I thought that went well, then I check the VOD and.. damn! You can't even hear me over the game. So yeah, definitely gotta figure the mic out. Not much happened after, just shedding my mortal layer of cloth and I went to sleep. As much as I hate any god that isn't Me, I put bible reading as my background noise. It helped, I fell asleep rather quickly, which is preferred as I have classes on Thursday early.

And that's pretty much all that happened yesterday. Right now I'm on a train, I hope I won't miss my station, I don't have money for another ticket.

01.29.2026 - 07:00AM

I found out that my class in which I'd have a test from HTML theory got cancelled and we have a substitute. I'm on the fence whenever that's a good or bad thing because I have free time, sure, but I will feel bad cuz I could be productive and do index page layout right or write Tex's story. Unfortunately I have no idea for either one so I won't be doing that.

01.30.2026 - 09:44AM

So, tomorrow's weekend! Finally! I thought I'd have my brains all over the wall before it came. More good news: I have an idea for the index layout, it's already in the works! Today during computer class I've started working on the code for it. So far the layout is layouting, everything goes where I want it to go, which is weird... but I'm not counting gift horse's teeth. I'll have to put text, links, photos and so on in its respective places but so far so good! I'll probably get it done today or by Monday. Wish me luck, or not.
Also, I do feel the need to apologize for not updating this section a lot these past two days. Not much had been happening...
Oh, the English test, the one I had a few days ago? I got -B from it, just in case you were wondering. I feel so cool not failing any of my classes yet.

01.30.2026 - 11:39AM

SOMEONE BASH MY HEAD IN!!! MY SLIGHT PARANOIA IS ACTING UP AND I'M GETTING SCARED ABOUT THE MOST IRRATIONAL THINGS POSSIBLE!!! I'M OVERTHINKING TOO MUCH YET IT FEEL LIKE I'M MOT OVERTHINKING ENOUGH. GOD DAMNIT. SOMEONE TELL ME THAT EVERYTHING'S OKAY. THAT I'M NOT DIRTY. I BEG.

01.30.2026 - 12:44:PM

Biology gotta be my most hated subject. Like, I always think that "biology, so chill, yay!" and then I'm hit with "parasites" and "larves" and my god if that isn't my worst fear! I'mterrified of them. The moment someone mentions parasites I feel them wiggling in my throat. It's one thing when I'm the one writing about them in fictional settings, another when it's real real life situation. I'm so scared of them entering my flesh... It's very stupid but, damn, I hate flies. One of my many irrational fears is one laying eggs in my body and the maggots eating me from inside. Truly, parasites are the worst.

01.30.2026 - 02:28PM

Today I've had a test in Operation Systems class, which I'm pretty positive I've gotten at least a D from it! That's honestly a great relief if you ask me 'cus I was stressing about it. I'm not great at Linux commands, my memory sucks, so I thought I would fail it. Apparently I knew enough to pass, so really, I'm very happy about it! The worst mistake of mine, beside writing a wrong command, was not adding ".txt" at the end of one file, the other was writing "Id" instead of "id", but my teacher said that I still might get half-points for those because beside that I've had the rest of those two commands correct. Well, I might make celebratory muffins! Gosh, I love baking so much ≽(^⩊^マ≼.ᐟ
I stress bake, I bake when I'm bored, I bake when I'm sad, I bake when I'm happy. Baking>>> especially LATE at night! When no one else is in the kitchen to bother me.

01.30.2026 - 02:53PM

Well dang, the navs in the new index layout doesn't want to obey. Can't fix that shit on mobile so I gotta wait until I'm home... ofc ...

01.30.2026 - 06:45PM

I'm done with the links on the new index, just gotta add text and photos, as well as actually put background and etc. together. That's the biggest challenge - making it look good. I don't have any skill when it comes to compositions, I just put whatever together and hope ot looks good. When it doesn't I just change things until it does.

01.30.2026 - 08:34PM

Unfortunately I won't be baking today. I don't have chocolate.

01.31.2026 - 07:24AM

I have a hard time differentiating between reality and my dreams. I have some very realistic dreams, even if nonsensical. I often wake up confused and I need to take a moment to figure out what's real and what's not. Sometimes I "wake up" into another dream where I ask someone about the events of a dream from before. I'm usually told the truth that "no, it wasn't real" followed up by information frreality. Then I wake up again. It makes me wonder at times if what I remember actually happened or if it was a dream I had. Every memory blends together and at this point I'm not 100% sure about anything.

01.31.2026 - 05:04PM

My mom bought chocolate, I might make cookies or muffins today... I haven't decided yet, depends who will be home.

01.31.2026 - 06:18PM

I've finally finished the new layout page! GOD IT LOOKS SO MUCH BETTER!!! I feel good about it :)

01.31.2026 - 10:56PM

So I streamed on twitch Cry Of Fear - I did figure out the mic situation - and it was pretty fun, but I don't get the combat mechanics so... yeah... I died and rage quitted cuz I saved instead of loading my game andI don't feel like doing that shit again... ANYWAY! I was like "bye bye y'all" cuz I was ending the stream and someone wrote "bye bye" back!!! So happy!!! I have someone actually watching me???? FR???? OML!!!! I love small, meaningless interacions like that! ^w^ And yeah, I still whisper on streams... I just can't bring myself to talk loudly!

02.01.2026 - 02:40PM

So my sister have gotten a boyfrined. I don't know what to say to that, yet another one of aroace struggles... I am happy for her but I completely don't get romance. For me it's no different than her saying she had gotten a new friend or a peson she was friends with before is a closer friend now.

02.01.2026 - 06:48PM

I gotta admit, I've been getting my baking done much quicker since I've started treating the recipies as suggestions. My muffins are still great in taste, but the time I spend on making them got much shorter. Life is too short, experiment a little, even if it's something as small as this!

02.02.2026 -09:53AM

The test I had in Operation Systems class? I've gotten a B in it, or whatever is the equivalent of an 4.

02.02.2026 - 10:07AM

I'm in a group with some randoms. Literally wtf??? I ain't doing that shit. What the hell? And it's in religion class too??? Like??? I'm God? Why do I have to be in here? I'm no worshipping some fake idol! I'm out of that class for a reason and they put me in here because it's a substitute teacher and they had a mix up so they put two classes in one room. Awesome! I absolutely hate everything right now... I'M GOD I'M GOD I'M GOD I'M GOD I'M GIDI'M GOD I'M GOD I'M GOD I'M GOD I'M GOD I'M GOD I'M GOD I'M GOD I'M GOD I'M GOD I'M GOD

02.02.2026 - 10:54AM

I should save my phone's battery since I have Batman v Superman saved on my phone to watch on my last two classes but I'm sooo bored!!! 0_0

02.02.2026 - 12:03PM

The girl I'm trying to friend? Well, I took muffins, the ones I've baked yesterday, to school and I've shared one with her. She took it! And she said it was really good!!! I'm so happy about it!!!! Is this what being social is all about? It's so strange discovering and navigating the world once again. So weird to relearn what once came so easy. It really messed me up, didn't it? To the point human interaction feels dangerous?

02.02.2026 - 04:46PM

Procrastinating... procrastinating... procrastinating ...
It's day one of "read you stupid bitch" week and I already want to do everything BUT catch up on the books I've bought and the fanfics I had open in new tab since FOREVER.
Fuck, I even feel like writing for my OCs (if only I had an idea what to write about them...). Literally ANYTHING but read.

02.02.2026 - 10:24PM

Maybe some things don't need a meaning yet I'm still stuck searching for it, overanalyzing all my actions. Maybe it's time to let go and learn to live for myself, for the moment, not for a future I don't know I will be able to get. No day is guaranteed. I might not wake up tomorrow. So do I really need a goal for every little thing I do?

02.03.2025 - 07:01PM

Damn, so I haven't upadated all day here... Sorry! I've been a little busy. I think that will be my only entry here!

02.03.2025 - 08:31PM

Relearning how to speak is so hard:(

02.04.2026 - 11:00AM

NO way I'm configurating a router and all that. Fuck it. Nu-uh.

02.04.2026 - 12:12PM

Sharing food with the girl I'm trying to friend! Or I friended already.

02.04.2026 - 03:21PM

The naps you take on a bus are the best naps you've ever taken. You can't convince me otherwise.

02.05.2026 - 06:26AM

While I appreciate trains for being fast and cheap, I still prefer buses to them. I can take a nap on a bus, can't do that on a train - is at my stop too soon. Which yeah, kinda the point... but still, dragging myself out of bed at 05:30AM and not being able to sleep until I get on my bus at 02:30PM is ridiculous! It's way too early to be up. I hate Thursdays, one of my least favorite days of the week specifically because I start class at 07:10AM. I never start this early! Just this one day! Fucking bullshit class too! Not an useful one or fun or anything like that, just straight up bullshit!! No one really likes that teacher too. I can't blame them, she brings that to herself. And her voice? It makes me want to scratch my ears off! She's so annoying... I will get up so early next week but that's it! No more! Only today and next week! After that she only sees me on Mondays. Fuck her.

02.05.2026 - 08:22AM

Admission time: I've never got tables in html. I mean, I did, but they're mad annoying and I hate them. Why? Cuz i just had html theory test and the code for tables is beyond me.

02.05.2026 - 09:02AM

Another admission: I don't really use "class" I much prefer "id" and, tbh, I don't see a point in using "class" if no element truly repeats... I've dabated using "class" for sections of this page but decided not to do so. I just don't like them very much and "id" works just as good for me.

02.05.2026 - 09:38AM

So about that html theory test I've mentioned before - I've gotten an A! Yeah, the teacher already graded it. Very quick, but it was ABCD choice answers, so I do imagine is very quick to grade. So yeah, another A from that class for me. Thank you html for being easy 🙏🙏🙏

Just to be very clear! I am not a straight A student, I was failing a lot of classes this past semester, just not this one. And I'm doing okay-ish from every other class, so I'm okay for now:)

02.05.2026 - 11:49AM

This morning I had one of those dreams that leave me confused once I wake up. Another dream that made me pause and wonder if what I experienced was real and I just blacked out before I laid my head on the pillow as I temd to do a lot.
I remember waking up at 3AM and panicking because I missed my bus! I had to! It was a crazy day! Then reaching out for my phone and checking the hour just to see that my alarm haven't even gotten off yet. And then I was lying awake, trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't. Turns out almost every part was made up, surprising, I know. But still, one lart of the dream still hunts me.
A house. A house with "weird closet" from my dream. We were on a bus, and that house was just outside the window. I can't remember whenever that house is real or not. Maybe it was a stop where I was taking a bus to my elementary school, or maybe it never existed at all.
The more I think about it, the less I know about my own life and experiences.
A house with weird closet...

02.05.2026 - 03:04PM

Decisions... Decision...
Should I study for physics or watch a movie...
Decisions.... Decisions....

02.06.2026

02.07.2026 - 12:49PM

Pathetic human emotions. I hate being sad for the dumbest reasons. I feel petty for being hurt about something so small. But I just can't get over it. I can't get over a feeling of being lied to and made fun of. I'm genuinely hurt about something so small they think it's funny.

02.07.2026 - 01:05PM

Woke up feeling like slashing my wrists. The day didn't get much better since that.

02.07.2026 - 02:09PM

I wish I knew how to copee better scraching my skn raw cnat be the most opmtjkmal way.

02.07.2026 - 06:51PM

I'm glad I don't have any kind of easily accessible razor in my room. I might've done some stupid shit during m little crash out. Back to fantasizing about vomit it is. Gosh, nothing like indulging a gross maybe fetish of me after feeling like shit and entertaining suicidal ideation. Stupid.
Also, my head hurts. A lot. I already took a pain killer so now I'm trying to sleep it off. By me writing it you can just tell it's going great. Also, I feel like puking my guts out so if you see me drooling in a pile of vomit, don't be surprised. I won't feel like cleaning up. Too much work. And my hea hurts too much for that shit.

02.07.2026 - 10:13PM

My sister's friend made me a drink. Weak but still. Vodka with massive amounts of cola is still vodka. I love my sister's friend! It even had a little yellow shark jelly candy in it! An lemon slice! I love love love her!!!

02.08.2026 - 01:01AM

I've gotten my hands on a drink with whiskey. And it was STRONG!!! More whiskey than cola. It was good tho!! It was so sour(?) tho. I made a face everytime. I put a shark jelly candy in it tho so all is good!

02.08.2026 - 03:20AM

Alright, so, a lot happened today. I'm gonna start from the end of my break down. So, my sister had a birthday party today - it is not her birth day, just tge day she had a party on - and so a lot of people came. There were mostly people I know and see somewhat regularly. Still, my break down and very bad headache paired with nausea did me in so I stayed in my room for like three hours without showing my face. Then two of my sister's friends came in, and I had no luck sleeping so I let them in. We talked and, honestly, I needed that. The two pulled me out of my self hating mood and actually made me feel like socializing. Then was cake cutting - there were not enough clean plates so I offered to wash some. I did so, and during that one slipped out of my hands and it chipped when it fell against the sink. I had a piece of it in my hair! After that we (my sister and her friend) cut the cake (mostly her ffriend cuz she sucked at it lmao) and ate it. I then asked my sister's friend, let's just call her "Ve," if she could make me a drink. She was glad to and ended up making three drinks, one for me, one for herself and one for "C." We chatted a lot, then "Ve" joined "Gi", "I", "Bee", "Wi", "Di" and "Kr" in a game. I don't know what's it's called in English but it was about describing a sentence to a person and they had to guess what it is?? Or activity??? I'm sure you grasp the concept. Me and "C" sat it out and actually went to my room to play UNO. After a few rounds we went out of the toom and started ti play with the others. I'm not sure if "Wi" and "I" were gone by then or shortly after... but we played the game with the 7 of us ("C", "Ve", "Bee", "Di", "G", "Kr" and me) and it was super fun. "C" and "Ve" had to go so it was the five of us playing after a round (by round I mean getting through the whole deck of cards in the category). We started another one and that's when I gotta my hands on the whiskey drink. No, it was before the two left actually! So yeah. But it was during that time. Well, when "C" and "Ve" were gone we went through another deck and I made an ooffhand comment about sleeping under my bed (it's a raised bed, intended to have a roll out desk but I beoke it. I have my little nest with blankets and plushies instead), so "Bee" and "Kr" wanted to see. I said okayand showed them around my room, then, since I have stuff of my OC's on display on so called "trash wall" I ended up ranting about them. "G" and "Di" were cuddling on the couch in the living room in the meantime so no big deal. Oh, right, "Di" is my sister's, "G"'s, boyfriend btw. That's how the rest of the night went until they had to leave also. After that me and my sister decided to play one round of Garfield racing game on her console and we went to sleep when she won (as always). Welp, I'm writing this now and not exactly sleeping so... btw, it's 03:55AM rn. Like, at the time of finishing writing this. Holy shit, ranting is time consuming!!! After everything said and done, I think today was great, even if I needed a drink, and someone to pull me out of my comfort zone, to see it! Not a total waste.

02.08.2026 - XX:XX?M

Apparently my sisters missed a whole other srive in her laptop. The extra 300GB isn't that important anyway. So yeah.. She literally had no space on her laptop cuz she DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE OTHE DRIVE!!! What she would do without me?

02.09.2026 - 07:38AM

And so, another morning. I woke up to a disheartening discovery and betrayal - my charger being broken. The horrors! It didn't charge my phone at all, mind you, I was listening to music to fall asleep! I woke up and my phone was on 13% I quickly plugged it to my other charger, which is an USB-C to USB-C cable that's plugged to one of my many power strips (it jas USB-C entry). I was getting ready to school while it charged, and it did ended up charging up to 50%. As of right now, I'm having my phone plugged in to a powerbank.
Well, now that the morning terrors are behind me - what did I do? I did a lot actually! I got ready for school, I posted on my Tumblr! and wrote a blog for my SpaceHey. I haven't blogged about anything that has substance in a while... Productive morning!

02.09.2026 - 11:06AM

Btw, the "read you stupid bitch" week? USELESS!!! I didn't read a single thing!!! Sucks!!! So there's another week. A week where I'm gonna write things. Tex is in desperate need of having his own story but right now S-19 and S-19-b is living in my head rent free sooo... yeah! Tex gonna wait I guess ¯⁠\⁠_( ? )⁠_⁠/⁠¯

02.09.2026 - 02:38PM

Forever confused about how one can considered a time spent loving someone a time wasted just because the feeling wasn't returned.
How is that time wasted if you spent it showing affection to the one you love? Spent it with someone you love?
Don't get me wrong, I still don't understand romance and all this. That's just extension to my confusion about those feelings. Maybe if I wasn't aroace it would be easier to understand???

02.10.2026

02.11.2026

02.12.2026

02.13.2026

02.14.2026 - 12:59PM

Holy! It's been a hot sec... anyway, Not doing great sooooooo... Yeah!!!

02.15.2026

02.16.2026 - 11:20AM

So, another day without updates... NOT sorry about that! I did say I'm not a huamn when school is out of the picture!!! No worldly desires. Anyway! I Have like, an intro / chapter one of the mutant story (S-19 and S-19-b) done, all it need are edits and a beta reader! It's 1400+ words if I remember right. I'm hyped about that!!! I love it for me. The intro is much longer in the rewrite too! It's half the length of the whole old version. Well, to be fair the old version was never finished. I gave up on it ¯⁠\⁠_( ? )⁠⁠_⁠/⁠⁠¯ SHIT HAPPENS!!!

02.17.2026

02.18.2026 - 10:34AM

I'm like a coala. I won't eat unless it's a specific meal presented in a specific way. I won't drink unless it's water from a specific brand that's either strawberry or lemon flavored. I won't touch any other tea if the bag isn't my favorite, aka the only flavor I like, and the brand is diffrent. I'm a very picky eater.

02.18.2026 - 07:52PM

So, I've took this photo some time ago. it's tea. I've gotten nostalgic.

02.19.2026 - 12:15AM

Yesterday I made a drawing of an OLD design of Tex. He was huggung a served torso and the speech bubble was "Why the cold shoulder?" I wthink that's pretty funny.
Important thing to keep in mind: Old!Text is a completly diffrent person to New!Tex.

02.19.2026 - 05:08PM

I was showering and there was foam everywhere from my shampoo and bodywash. The shower walls, bottom. You get the picture. At somepoint I thought "What if it was red tho?" and idk if it was a sign to dye my hair red again or slash my wrists in the shower. I will take it as a sign for the latter as I have the self control and strong enough will to not do that. Dying my hair? I'd be doing that all day, everyday if I had the resources to do so.

02.19.2026 - 10:07PM

Thinking about suicide again. Not gonna do it. Just thinkin'... all the what ifs and whatever. Thinking, thinking, thinking.
The more I think about it, I come to the conclusion I just like the thought of me dead. The perks of it I mean. Like not having to eat, shower, go to school, find activities to do and so on. Just not existing and not having any need for entertainment. Being alive just comes with things you have to do, I don't want that. Too much hassle.

02.20.2026 - 12:21PM

Aw man, another one of those weird realistic dreams. Expect I only realized it wasn't real when I went to the bathroom to brush my hair and realized that I do not have a black plastic hair brush. I love my brain so much! Nothing like standing in front of a mirror and realizing that your "memories" weren't true, buy in fact just a dream you had. I gotta give it to my brain though, dream me acted a lot like real life me.

02.20.2026 - 01:20PM

..........................................................................................................................

02.20.2026 - 01:52PM

Do I even have a purpose?

02.20.2026 - 03:18PM

Feeling depressed, gonna play The Witcher.

02.20.2026 - 03:18PM

A face mask?? Maybe? Skin-care? Self-care? I dunno. Maybe a costume mask? I have an idea... I'm gonna get me hot glue gun...

02.21.2026 - 11:49PM

How does one start working out?

02.22.2026 - 03:11PM

I need to start showering in the dark again.I can't take it anymore.

02.22.2026 - 05:13PM

Confession time: I tried to cut myself yesterday night. Around the time of my entry about working out. I borrowed a scalpel for paper from my sister since I was making a mask. It stayed on my desk for hours. When it was late and I was going to sleep I was "fuck it" and decided to try it. With real azor and not a dull rusty wallpaper kinfe. Guess what? It didn't even break skin. I was so mad! All it did was make deeper lines in my skin, didn't even draw blood. They faded after. Sucks. It wasn't even that I didn't try pressing harder. I WAS! I DID try to press hard. After the first cut that wasn't even a cut I got pissed off and tried again, applying more pressure. Didn't earn me any blood. Fucker. I returned the scalpel to my sister. I suppose it was old and kinda dull but c'mon... even my razor (that I use to shave) can do more demage on accident!!! What bullshit.

02.23.2026 - 05:51PM

I wanted to write something here but dunno what.... How I wish for a day when I have a God-like ego to come. One of the best days I ever have.

02.24.2026 - 05:00PM

I was home alone today for a bit. I took a shower in the dark. Music playing. I needed that. Everything was perfect for just a few moments. Then my father got home. And I wasn't alone. And it all wasn't fine again. The house was empty and I desperatly wanted it to stay that way. I could function like a person. Get out of my room, make something to eat, play on console in living room. But now he is there. I hate being anywhere near him. I hate him. I can't stand it when he stands near me. I pull away whenever he touches me. I think the worst is me mourning the plans I had before he returned from work. I was planning to get something to eat, or at least try. But now he is there. I can't enter the kitchen without my back going stiff. If I had fur it would bristle the moment I step in. I can't be too mad though - I don't feel like I'm going to eat anything. I don't feel like I deserve it. I thought about making myself tea since I ran out of my water but I can't bring myself to do so. I can't function while he's there. I tasted the little freedom of being alone and I want to go back to it. For fucks sake, I took a REAL shower, I was making plans outside of my room but NO! I CAN'T BECAUSE HE'S THERE!!! I HATE HIM I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HATE HIM IHATE HIM IHATE HIM IHATE HIM IHATE HIM HIHAWEM I HATE HIM IHATEM UMHE HIM I HATEM HUII AHE

02.24.2026 - 05:37PM

I was planning on watchinfga movie too. My bloody valentine. BUt idk anymore. Don't feel like it. He sucks joy out of evertyhing. Fucking leeach.

02.24.2026 - 05:46PM

I stepped out of my room, not even three steps into the hallway and I backed out. Retreated back to my dim cave. Too bright. Too stressful.

02.24.2026 - 11:51PM

So, I did eat and drink today. I made myself four toast and tea. I ate it around 10PM. That bastard was asleep in the living room though. Fucker. We have open concept kitchen, so it's connected to living room.

02.25.2026 - 04:57PM

Sitting in the mask I'm making. Very comfortable. Will do that alot in the future.

02.26.2026 - 09:11PM

The mask I'm making!

02.26.2026 - 11:22PM

When I'm out of candy so I lowkey start eating candle wax.

02.27.2026 - 01:29AM

So, I've taken my sleeping pills since I couldn't fall asleep until like 5AM those past few days. Hopefully they'll work and I'll be out cold before 3AM. I gi to cinema at 6PM! And yeah, I'll talk about it later. Not now though. Now I'm trying to sleep!!!

02.27.2026 - 06:03PM

Alright, I know, I know!! I said will tell you all later but whatever. The pills worked. I was out before 3AM. NOW the important stuff: I got ready for the night out and now I'm in the cinema, waiting for the movie to start. I'm pretty damn excited about it!!! Especially since I wasn't sure I'll go. Why? Cuz my sister was supposed to go with me. But she didn't. Why? She mixed up "Scream" and "Scary Movie", she thought that "Scream" is the parody and "Scary Movie" is the horror. She found out on a call with her boyfriend and she didn't want to go anymore. I was hella disappointed cuz I was hyped up about it, going with here I mean. Happens I suppose, but still. So I woke up and I was complementing going out to see it. Eventually I got ready amd DAMN! I feel good!!! So yeah, I just went and I'm fine now. Hella excited too. Can't wait for tge movie to start but like, we ALL know it's half an hour of ads.

02.28.2026 - 11:18PM

Look, it's not that I forgot about this site or lost interest in it. I'm just, y'know, not existing right now. Like, dull. Idk how to explain it. Anyway. I have ALL the time in the world to update but I also DON'T have the time to update. Like, nothing ever happens and I can't say anything on this site because NOTHING happened. So, idk, maybe I'll say a few little things now?
Alright, so, yesterday night I was hungry!! It was midnight, or around that time. I didn't want to wake anyone up so I go to the kitchen, I decide to make an omelette BUT from one egg. I take the singular egg and then I had a realization - I don't have a bow small enough! So.. I take a cup and I make the omelette in the cup. Now, obviously, I can't the the mixer. I take the next best thing, the frother. Now, it USED to be frother but.. it broke. So there's only the metal part that was supposed to spin left. I took that and I spin it manually in my hands. I'm in the dark, mixing my omelette dough and thinking "wtf am I doing right now?" And I pour it on the pan and just stand there. Waiting. It was a good omelette! Small, but good.
Another thing is like, the whole Scream thing. It went like that:

• I go to my sister to ask if she wants to go watch a movie with me.
• She says yes.
• I'm very hyped about it!
• Two days before the movie she plays games with her boyfriend on call. I'm in the room.
• I mention the movie.
• Boyfriend says "good luck" since she's scared easily.
• She asks why.
• She finds out "Scream" is a horror movie.
• Huh????
• She explains she mixed up "Scream" and "Scary Movie" together
• She doesn't want to go anymore
• I'm hella disappointed and low-key mad.
• Blah blah blah
• She drives me to the mall (the cinema is in it)
• I go see the movie

That's pretty much it!
Btw! I did a little makeup! And I had my Scream mask pinned to my bag!! SO COOL!! I'll share a picture later!

03.01.2026 - 09:49AM

Hii!! Morning!! So, how your day went? I went to sleep before 2AM so I think I'm gonna keep using the pills until my internal clock with get what I want. Anyway, I was productive today!! At least to my standards.
So, I've took a shower, asked my sister if she wants to watch something with me while building lego together later, I procrastinated putting my shoes on - BUT I DID DO THAT EVENTUALLY!! - and I made banana smoothie / cocktail. However you call it. So yeah, the smoothie is my breakfast, I'm fresh and thriving right now! I need to do my laundry today too!!! Yeah, that's all, I gotta go get my clothes clean for tomorrow!!!! I promise I will post tagt picture later today!!!!

03.01.2026 - 10:19AM

My clothes are in a washing machine and I'm chilling. I gossiped with my sister a little too!! Can't wait for the chillest past of the day - the sky getting dark and everything is quiet. Can't wait to watch a movie and a show I liked. It had 1 episode at the time but it was hella good!! It has 8 now, so a win for me! When it's fully released it will have 11 episodes in season 1.

03.01.2026 - 11:52AM

03.02.2026

03.03.2026 - 01:50PM

Sorry for missing a day. School started yesterday again and I'm already tired of it. Like sure, whatever. ANYWAY! I finished buliding the little lego hingy and I bought foam clay for my mask. I did the first layer of modeling and I'mgonna do the second one when I'm back home. I also bouht a red hoodie.Uhhhhh.... Idk what elss to say sp yeah. I wiall shut up now cuz idk. Migh tbe gone for afew days now!!! BAIII!!!

03.04.2026

03.05.2026

03.06.2026

03.07.2026

03.08.2026

03.09.2026

03.10.2026 - 04:54PM

I'm so filthy. I'm disgusting. I can't take it. SO dorty. Unclean. Why can't I be clean? Why am I always dirty? Filthy animal. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty.

03.10.2026 - 05:48PM

Hot take: Denying yourself food if you don't deserve it shouldn't count as "punishment" or anything like that. If you'd really need it - you'd earn it.
What did you do? Lazy around all day? Felt all pathetic 'cuz you're dirty?? Cry me a river. What did you do to deserve food? NOTHING!!! Nothing at all. You just slept all day, was on your computerwasting time. You took a bath? Guess what - you should be doing that everyday. Not a reason to celebrate. You didn't even brush your teeth!!! Go and cry about it. You don't get food unless you earn it. And what did you do to earn it? What did you do?

03.10.2026 - 05:48PM

I ate some plain dry corn cearal. Not real food, right? Also my sister has her boyfriend over. Kill me. Why would she bring him??? GOD! Get him out!!! I can't do half the things I want to do cuz a stranger is here. She had him over weekend too!!! Goddamn.

03.10.2026 - 10:36PM

Shoutout to that CREATURE my sister calls her "boyfriend" - him being in the house and me having to deal with it was enough to make me feel like I earned the right to eat. That being said, I'm thinking about making myself toast.

03.11.2026 - 05:66PM

So I found safetly razors in the attic. Clean. Cleaner than I'd ever be. Probably sharp too. I can't stop thinking about them. I didn't take one days ago when I first saw them but now I want it. In my room. I don't know what else to say... sad. :(

03.11.2026 - 05:66PM

I was showering, I came out of the shower, then the confiusion hit. I wasn't sure if I washed myself whole or just my hair. So weird. Still not sure due to not even rembering the shower. Thinking about showering again.

03.12.2026 - 09:15AM

I wanted to do a lil something for my OC, Tex specifically, but I really can't just jump the gun. I wanted to a page from his forums.. GUESS WHAT!!! I need to think of a layout first!! I can't just do whatever I feel like cuz it looks like SHIT!!!! UGH. Just kille at this point. 2 hours of P-E will be well spent thinking all about those layouts. What to write.. Good thing I have my FUN pen with me. The one that makes my drawings look good and not like total shit!!!! I love that ink so much!! and the tip!! so smooth!!! Everystroke with that pen is just pure bliss. I stole it from my classmate found it on the floor!!! I need more!!!!

03.12.2026 - 10:37

PRIEST INBA GIMP MASK!!! PRICEST IN A GIMP MASK!!!!!

03.13.2026

03.14.2026

03.15.2026

03.16.2026

03.17.2026 - 09:50AM

Hello!!! I am alive, don't worry!!! just, y'know, not really updating the journal??? But I AM updating the site!! I am!! I'm making a forum right now. The site Tex, BP amd LN sell on!! I know you don't know who I'm talking about rn cuz no characters profiles but, y'know... THEY ARE A GROUP!!! THEY INTERACT!!! So yeah!! Anyway, baii!!!!

03.17.2026 - 10:53AM

I think I need to get myself a therapist again. And be honest this time around. I think I need it if I'm at the point when I genuinely got a razor to my arm and was disappointed it didn't do much. If I'm at the point where I'm thinking about getting a brand mew razor from the attic.

03.18.2026

03.19.2026 - 09:14PM

Someone force me to drink SOMETHING. This whole day I had only a cup of tea. I want to drink but my body refuses to touch anything that's not my favorite bran of water (we're out of it) or my favorite flavor of yea (I had the last bag this morning). I don't know if I already posted an entry about nit playing around with tge things I eat or drink but I'm serious not playing around. I feel like shit. I was awake for what? 8 hour the whole day? I was active for like, barley one??? I have no idea. I slept the most of the day and I feel like I'm being generous with the 8 hours of being away. The food situation? I ate a bit of cracers and a fair bit of dry corn flakes. I don't feel hungry. The headache tho? The headache is killing me. The dehydration is getting to me. I remember passing out from dehydration once. Just for like, two seconds, still, I feel down and hit my head on the tiles. Later I questioned if it even happened or it was some weird dream. I remember being angry after and shouting "I don't wanna be here" at my mom. She was next to me when I fainted. We were talking. After that I just went back to my room and climbed on my bed. I feel exactly like that day. I know there's plenty of water and other tea flavors for me to choose as I please, but my body refuses. I think about making myself some omelette thought, yet as I said - I don't feel hungry. I try to limit my eating when I'm not hungry. I'm already fat enough.

03.20.2026 - 08:19AM

So, till didn't eat. Still didn't drink. Not my fault! I don't feel hungry. AT ALL. And I still don't have the only two things I'd drink. My mouth feels real dry tho, my balance is dtill hanging on, just weakly. Overall: All good. We're chilling.

03.20.2026 - 10:31AM

Waiting for my sister to come back from school. She promised, well she said, she'd get me tea or water I like.

03.20.2026 - 11:09AM

My sister got me water AND tea!!! Finally can drink!!!

03.21.2026

03.22.2026

03.23.2026

03.24.2026 - 02:30PM

Did I order balck fur? I don't remember ordering black fur. But I do remember having black fur came in a bag and it was so loose. It was falling out everywhere. Was it a dream? I don't know. I can't tell. It's upsetting.

03.25.2026 - 09:08AM

Sometimes I wonder if the lady that witnessed me being spat on thinks of me. If she's wondering about my life. If I get treated like that often. I imagine seeing someone walking than being spat on by two people is something one does wonder about.

03.25.2026 - 12:28PM

I got that razor from the attic and I planned on cutting myself. But now, once I pressed tge blade against my dkin I'm pussying out. I can't do this, yet I want it so much. I'm a fucking failure. Can't do one thing right. Can't even cut myself. Disgusting.

03.25.2026 - 08:31PM

I hate it when I scratch my arm then compare it to my other one. The one that I didn't touch during my little breakdown. I see how healed it is. And tge other one? Scratched raw. Scabbing over. I don't think I'd ever see the day my arms aren't covered in scabs. They won't ever heal properly. I'm a failure.
But to be fair, I did do that. I cut myself. Eventually. The cuts aren't more than a cat scratch. My arm has like 3. My leg? There's more on my leg. But lighter. I can't even say it bleed. I lived a good life. There's nothing in it that would make me do this kind of thing. I don't know why I do this. Why I'm such a fuckup. I'm back on my meds too. Fucking hell.
Why am I like this?

03.26.2026 - 08:17AM

So yesterday was no good. At all. If you couldn't tell by ky previous entries. But it is what it is. New day!! Yay!! And, uh.. Crime Scene Cleaner Act 2 is coming out today!!! Something to look forward to during weekend ^w^ I'll finish 100%-ing Gori: Cuddly Carnage and get to Crime Scene Cleaner (my GOAT!!!)

03.26.2026 - 09:36AM

My leg hurts so much. Idk if it's cuz I cut or cuz I slept on the floor. I will assume both.

03.26.2026 - 09:57AM

I've been thinking today's morning.
I'm forgetting who I am and who I used to be.
...I don't like that.

03.26.2026 - 09:10PM

Just saw myself in the mirror and my brain went "Who tf is that?" so.. yeah. Wish I could shower with the lights off...

03.27.2026 - 06:50AM

Me, staring at a wall, wondering ehat memories are real.
Does that sound good?
Anyway, I'll be playing Crime Scene Cleaner Act 2 after school. It's my comfort game. I am in need of comfort. Also, I should probably get that razor out of my room. I play with it too much. Not like, cut, I mean play. So yeah. Idk where to put it tho. I prob just will take it out of my sight. A drawer? It's nowhere near my desk nor bed. I spent most of my time in those two places. Sounds like a good idea but idk.

03.27.2026 - 07:59AM

Don't have water money. Not drinking anything for the whole school day.

03.27.2026 - 08:50AM

Someone get me out of here!!! my legs hurt!! God!! they hurt so much!!! Walking is a pain!!! Sleeping on the floor is not something I'll give up but I really need to add some more cushioning, apparently. The bruising is killing me!!!

03.28.2026

03.29.2026 - 07:13PM

How does one stop feeling like a failure?

03.30.2026 - 08:19AM

Saying"but we chill" knowing damn well I could throw up from anxiety .

03.30.2026 - 11:38AM

How it feels to accept that you're gonna fail that one test (it's not the emd of the world):

(I'm gonna cry about it later]

03.30.2026 - 07:37PM

So my internship is most likely fucked over cuz my parents didn't go to that meeting. Fuck me. Fuck me for hoping to earn some extra money. Fuck all of this. I don't know why I even bothered applying. Why I even filled in that goddamn form. Fuck me for getting my hopes up.

03.30.2026 - 10:01PM

Just spewed in mouth a lil, idk why it happened but I guess I ate a lil too much?? idk. Life feels great now either way. btw apparently that meeting wasn't mandatory so we're good. my PAID internship is still on the table.