Here I'll write my thoughts, collect things I like as I have an issue with rembering.
I forget what I like and who I am as a preson. This page will serve as a reminder for me, and also as a window into my life for you.
Text here might be nonsenseical, messy and full of mistakes. I do not care about presenting myself a certian way in this space, as it was created with the intent to express myself fully. It's a journal open for everyone to read. Feels like screaming into a void filled with people insted of just, y'know, regular void.
If I won't update in a long time - don't worry! I'm really not a human being when I have free time, no responsibilities in my hands.
01.25.2026
On this day I've finished the layout for this page, at least to the point of being satisfied with it at the moment. The only thing left is actually filling it up. Too bad that I don't know what to put here...
01.26.2026 -12:30AM
It's late at night an I can't sleep. sometimes, when I lie awake I think about my future. No matter how hard I try, I can not imagine myself any older than I am now. I think about my future in concepts, but not age. It's "I'll have a job after I finish school" and not "I'll have a job at [age]." The oldest I've imagined myself was 19, and that's just a little over an year away. So not much difference from not to then. It makes me wonder what will happen when I get old, if I ever will? The more I think about ot, the more euthanasia or suicide seems like the answer. The more I'm grounded in my belief that after a certian - an number yet unknow to any living being - age I'll just decide "Yeah, that's enough for me!" and put a gun in my mouth.
My father has one. A gun, I mean. I won't lie and say that I've never thought about waiting until I'm home alone and sneaking it out of the metal containment it's stuck in. Never thought about bringing it into my warm mouth, getting it wet with saliva, dripping with the spit as I taste the cold, grime of the barrel sitting uncomfortable between my teeth, and just pulling a trigger. One gentle motion. Just enough pressure. And it all would be over. Lights out.
But yeah, I don't want to grow old. I don't want to be an glorified vegetable. Is it cruel to say that I hate the elderly? Including my family? I don't think I care enough to search fo that answer.